"Did you ever...?" (Customer Service)

Did you ever…?
by Melech



Did you ever have a conversation with someone in a customer service department and wonder if the person you were speaking to had the IQ of a turnip? I am certain that the person I spoke with had to pass an incompetency test to get her job.
It all started when my sister gave me a home-shopping catalog. She knows how I hate to go into stores and shop. She said this would be so much easier. You just fill out the order form, mail it in, and within a couple of weeks you have your order. It all sounded so simple.
Two months passed and I still hadn’t received my order. My letters were ignored, so I decided to try my luck with a long-distance phone call to the customer service department. The person who answered my call sounded as though she was going to burst into tears at any moment. My guess is that she either just broke-up with her boyfriend or she had just been sentenced to death row.
“Customer service, Arabella speaking. Did you want to place an order?”
I knew she made up that name, but I didn’t mention it.
“No,” I replied. “I wanted to check….”
“Then why are you calling?” she snapped.
“I wanted to check on an order I placed over two months ago.”
“So, what’s the problem? Weren’t you satisfied with the merchandise?”
I took a deep breath and said as calmly as I could, “Arabella, I am calling to find out when….”
“Who?” she asked.
“Arabella.” I replied.
“Who’s that?”
“You said that was your name.” When she didn’t respond, I continued; “I would just like to know if my order has been shipped or if it is going to be shipped any time during this decade.”
“When did you place the order?”
“Over two months ago.” I repeated.


“Then it was probably shipped.”
I should have given up all hope at that point, but I tried again.
“Isn’t there some way you could find out?”
“I could try. Where are you?”
“Somewhere between frustration and death.”
“No. I mean what is your postal code?”
After I gave her my postal code she said it wasn’t her area and she would have to transfer my call to another representative. I asked to speak to her supervisor. After a ten-minute wait, a lot of static, and several severe electric shocks, I heard;
“This is Delfina speaking. Would you like to place an order?”
“You sound remarkably like Arabella.” I said.
“Who is Arabella?” she asked.
“Never mind. I do not want to place an order. I want to check on an order I placed over two months ago.”
“That’s not my area of responsibility.” She said. “I’ll have to transfer you back to Arabella.”
During the process of transferring the call, I was disconnected. I slumped to the floor, utterly defeated, and was almost finished chewing through the leg of the kitchen table when my sister called to inform me that she had just received another catalog in the mail and would I like to see it. I told her I didn’t have time right now because I was chewing on the leg of the kitchen table. She suggested that I take a pill and a nap, and then she hung up on me.

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“Did you ever…?” is a weekly newspaper column by Melech
©Copyright 2008 by Melech. All rights reserved
The next column will be posted on August 07, 2009


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